Dr Jones and her psychopath
by Person-without-a-FF.N-account
Summary: Little selection of one-shots about Martha and the Master. Friendship/hate - a BIT of romance.


A/N: So, I just sorta randomly cobbled these together. Something about Master/Martha makes me go all fangirl-y O_o.

I don't really like them as a couple, but more as sort of friends/enemies.

Anyway. It's told from Rose's point of view for some reason - I guess she kinda tries to get them together just to annoy them.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, Teletubbies or Twilight.

* * *

><p>Rose had had believed the most difficult friendship ever was that of the Doctor and the Master.<p>

As it turned out, the arrival of Martha Jones proved her wrong.

* * *

><p>"GET THAT LITTLE APE <em>AWAY <em>FROM ME!" the Master almost screamed, storming out of the automatic doors.

Rose winced. Maybe sending them shopping together hadn't been the best idea.

"What happened?" she asked, falling into step beside him as he marched angrily across the car-park.

"Would you _believe _it, she actually wanted to get that revolting gelatinous citric preserved... STUFF!"

"...It's called marmalade."

"Yes, and I prefer butter."

"You seriously had an argument over what to have for breakfast?"

"Just... just keep Martha Jones on the other side of the planet. She interferes with my logical thinking."

* * *

><p>Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, Rose thought they liked each other.<p>

* * *

><p>"They're coming!" Martha panted, bursting into the lab with something clutched in her hand.<p>

The Master was immediately beside her. "Did you get it?"

She shook her head silently.

"Well that's fine. No pressure or anything. It's just _ALL OF CREATION AT STAKE HERE!_"

"But..." she gasped, trying to get her breath back, "I did get this."

She held out a small, red object with a tangle of spindly loops and arches playing across it. Gallifreyan writing, which the Master read quickly before going into hyperactive-Time-Lord-mode.

"THAT'S IT!" He yelled, then, talking at 200 miles per hour, proceeded to explain how they were going to save the universe _this _time. Rose caught some odd words like "Paradigm matrix" and "Eclectic psychocrypt", but she got the general gist of it - they were going to blow a lot of stuff up.

"Martha Jones, you saved the world again! Oh, come here!" and without warning, he picked her up off the floor and spun her round in a circle.

"Master, did you just _hug _me?" Martha gaped once he'd set her down again.

"Yes. I hope you enjoyed it, because I will _not_ be doing that again."

* * *

><p>But most of the time, it was an apocalypse waiting to happen.<p>

* * *

><p>"Guys! Calm down!" Rose was attempting to stop the fight before it started, but it was no use.<p>

"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY FAMILY!" yelled martha.

"YOUR FAMILY WERE ASKING FOR IT!" the Master retorted, "THEY EXISTED!"

"THAT'S THE WORST ARGUMENT I'VE EVER HEARD! YOU DID IT BECAUSE I WAS CONNECTED TO THE DOCTOR!"

"WELL WHY DON'T YOU GO AND SHOUT AT HIM, THEN?"

"AAARRRGHHHH!" Martha screamed, losing it, and running at the Master, who stepped smartly out of the way.

"You need to work on your aiming, Jones."

She spun round and charged again, rather like a bull.

"You know," the Master said conversationally, sidestepping her again, "You humans go on about how you're the most superior life-form on the planet. Honestly! I've seen earth worms with better coordination skill than this."

"Stop provoking her!" Rose said, trying to pull the Master away from Martha, "Can't you just make a truce?"

"Are you our matchmaker or something?" the Master snickered, tugging free of Rose, "Because you're not doing a very good job of it."

* * *

><p>Barely a single day could pass without some sort of squabble. Rose remembered the time they'd chosen a DVD to watch.<p>

* * *

><p>"Seriously? <em>Twilight<em>?" the Master looked as though he'd just ingested a particularly vile and fermented cheesecake.

"Oh come on!" Martha waved the box-set in front of his face, "It can't be _that_ bad!"

"We'll find something better in the skip outside! How about this?" he held up a Teletubbies DVD.

"No. Just _no._ YOU might be amused by fuzzy colourful things in suits who act like toddlers, but the rest of us find them childish and boring."

"You're just jealous because Po can speak Cantonese. And you can't."

"That's pathetic, and you know it is."

"You can talk about pathetic! Stunted little monkey, barely out of the trees and you think you know everything!"

"Maybe if you'd stop pushing us down and give us a chance!"

"Why? You've seen humans at the end of the universe. Still as primitive and dense as you are now!"

"Surely the Time Lords were primitive once! Don't tell me you were all _born _geniuses!"

"As it happens, yes we were. So shut up!"

"YOU shut up!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"SHUT UP!"

Rose sighed. Another day, another disaster.

* * *

><p>And the time when Martha had tried to explain to the Master about historical Earth catastrophes.<p>

* * *

><p>"The Black Death. It's a plague that killed thousands of people in the middle ages." Martha said.<p>

"A few people caught a cold and it got exaggerated. Next!"

"This is World war II, 1939 to 1945. Estimated 55 million dead..."

"A passing squabble."

"It's _the second world war!_"

"It's completely over-glorified bickering!"

Martha closed down her laptop and glared at the Master.

"What's the point of showing you all this if you're just going to scoff at it?"

"More to the point, why d'you apes have to dramatize everything?"

Martha sighed.

"Look, maybe fifty million people doesn't mean much to you, but for humans, that's a lot."

"Well maybe you should try listing the dead from the Time War. You'd die of old age before you'd have finished counting."

"What's going on in here?" demanded the Doctor, plunging into the room (and the conversation) with an ignorance corresponding to a man who'd just unknowningly walked into a minefield, "Why all this talk of wars and death and dying and general loss of life?"

"I was just explaining to Martha that the Time War is actually more important than her little 'world wars'."

"Little?" Martha spluttered.

"Oh..." the Doctor wrinkled his nose in a fashion that indicated there was a lemon under it and he didn't fancy getting involved in the argument, lest he displace said lemon, and sighed, "Well, don't start a fight, okay? I'm trying to re-wire the TARDIS out here, and the last thing I need..." he babbled away to himself as he walked off, leaving Martha and the Master glaring at each other.

* * *

><p>And then there were those sudden bursts of friendship. Unexplainable and unpredictable. They just found something to agree on, and BANG, they were inseparable.<p>

* * *

><p>"So what are we making?" Martha asked, leaning over the Master's shoulder as he flicked through the recipe book.<p>

"Apple pie with custard. I think -"

They were interrupted by the 11th Doctor, who happened to be passing at that point.

"No! Don't do that! Apples are rubbish, and it's a waste of custard which I could be using for fish fingers!" he called.

"Ooh!" grinned Donna, who was right behind him, "Could you make ginger cake? I _love _ginger cake!"

"Yes _ma'am..._" The Master muttered, looking in the index as the two disappeared down the hall.

Just as he found the page, the 10th Doctor bounced into the kitchen.

"Hiya! How's the cooking going?"

"Brillaint, if we could actually decide what to make." the Master said.

The Doctor looked at the open recipe book. "Ginger cake? Er..." he made a face, "Don't suppose you could give that a miss? I've kinda gone off ginger since that episode with Agatha Christie. Ginger beer all over my lovely suit! Imagine!"

"Right. No ginger. Gotcha." Rose grinned at the steam she could almost see coming out of the Master's ears.

After the 10th Doctor left, it seemed _everyone_ wanted to come and share _their _opinions about the pudding. Jack wanted cheesecake, Amy didn't want anything fattening, Sarah Jane hated chocolate cakes, Rory loved almonds.

"Oh, and I don't fancy fruit tonight!" Rory finished as he went out the door.

Martha was trying to keep a straight face as the Master threw the recipe book at the wall, screaming in frustration.

"GAH!" he scowled, "I have a good mind to put nitric acid in the cake if they carry on like this!"

"Isn't there something that will suit them all?" Rose asked, picking up the book and leafing through it.

But a crafty smile was growing on Martha's face. "Why don't we play a little joke on them? A surprise cake?"

The Master grinned at this. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Well... you know how in medieval times, they put live birds in pies, so they would fly out and surprise the guests?"

* * *

><p>"Well, that supper was delicious!" Amy grinned, "But I'm dying to know what our 'Mystery pudding' is!"<p>

"Of course!" Martha said. And;

"Yes! Right away!" the Master announced. They got to their feet and went through the kitchen doors, smirking.

"What's up with those two?" the 11th Doctor whispered to the 10th, "I thought they hated each other?"

"Sometimes." the 10th Doctor whispered back, "And sometimes they make the best team in history."

"Here we go!" called Martha, and then the cake was wheeled into view.

It was huge - about as tall as a person. It looked like it had been sculpted out of varied kinds of chocolate icing, with a blue liquorice allsort for the eye.

It was a Dalek cake.

"WOW!" Jack's eyes bulged, as did everyone else's as they took in the giant pudding.

"That's amazing!" Rose tried to keep the giggle out of her voice, because she knew what was coming.

"It's very life-like, isn't it?" Martha smirked.

"Yes! How did you get the shape so perfect? It looks just like a Dalek!" the 10th Doctor gorped.

"_Exactly _like a Dalek." the Master corrected, his grin widening as everyone in the room processed this.

"Wait a minute..." the 11th Doctor said, "What have you -"

"**EXTERMINATE!"**

* * *

><p>AN: The butter-marmalade argument was a vague reference to the poem "The King's Breakfast" by A.A. Milne. Go and read it, it's brilliant! XD

I don't know why the Master is suddenly so keen to save the universe, but the hugging bit was such fun to write =D

Yes, I like Teletubbies. AND YES. PO. SHE CAN SPEAK CANTONESE. IT'S A FACT.

I don't know what they did. Honestly, I don't. Either they hired a Dalek to hide under a load of icing or the cake is remote-controlled. But it seemed like a good way to end it. AFTER ALL. THIS IS DOCTOR WHO. IT DOESN'T END WITH A KISS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER. IT ENDS WITH A DALEK AND 'EXTERMINATE!'


End file.
